Just a short little creative writing piece about attention right now.
I consider holding my pencil over the flame of my candle. Just watching the flame flicker in my breath has not been enough to keep me entertained during this zoom call.
I slide one of my many post-it notes scattered on my desk over the top of the jar. A brown burn mark blooms in the middle of the sticky note as I suffocate the flame until it is slowly extinguished. My note to myself about some project in some class is still readable, but I doubt I will read it when I need it, as it will be buried under other reminders for classes I barely pay attention to.
I light a votive candle in hopes that I will be able to watch the wax melt. Sometimes the candle wax will melt evenly, and the wax will flow over the side of the candle and pool into puddles in my candle tray. Sometimes the top of the candle stays intact, and a crack forms partially down the candle and wax spills out. Sometimes the wax pools in the candle itself, overtaking the wick, and the flame shrinks until it is barely a flicker. Puddles of pastel wax sit in the bottom of the tray from my last two weeks of candle burning during class and homework.
I realize I have not listened to the last ten minutes of historical context to whatever I skimmed last night. I try to pay attention but eventually I lose focus. Maybe if I just held my pencil above the flame, it would start to turn brown like the sticky notes. But the pencil could catch on fire, so I instead twirl it around my fingers, before putting it down, without taking a single note.
I ‘show up’ to class and don’t pull out my phone, but I still can’t pay attention. I sit with my homework open, nothing getting done. I watch my candles burn or just zone out.
It is hard to focus when something is on fire.